Marriage is a partnership. Is yours an equal one? All partnerships exist because each party brings something to the other that is needed and desirable. No partnership is exactly equal because the issues are so complicated that it is impossible to figure out their relative values. But the degree of respect each partner gives to the other can be pretty close to equal with a little care and love. There is almost always a division of labor. Some decisions will have more to do with the needs and interests of one partner than the other. Even then the decisions should not be to the disadvantage of the other. All decisions should be open to discussion and input of both partners on an equal basis so that neither partner is ever considered inferior or less important to the relationship. There should never be any bullying. This is especially true if one is the major breadwinner. That dont make you the boss. Some people are more clever at arguing than others. If one of you is such a person, you will need to exert extra care not to take advantage of your partner. Just because you can win does not mean you have the right to. Sometimes decisions involve moral issues, logical matters, cultural preferences, personal likes and dislikes. These are the hard ones to be fair about. These are the ones that lead to crazy fights that no one knows the cause of. Afterwards you both feel stupid, or at least you feel the other person is stupid. When you get involved in one of these irrational fights, it is a good idea to have a prearranged signal word. (My favorite is bananas). When one of you comes to her senses long enough to realize it is time to say the word, do it and it will take the air out of the balloon safely instead of having it pop in your face, and you can start fresh with a better perspective. Contracts and agreements may be symbols of mistrust, but you can make sure that you both understand that you wish to be equal partners and that your are both committed to working hard at it. If you have never taken assertiveness training, doing so, together, before you get married, is the best wedding present you could give yourselves. You will learn how to deal with each other fairly and not hurt each other while still taking care of your own selves. |
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